Jimmy's season preview

Hey guys, since you liked my last report so much I thought I would post my season preview for you all :) I even got mum to help me so its really good!

So the seven teams are locked away in the barriers, the red light is on and they’re ready to race but who will be the first past the post come February? Well Jimmy bleeds green so there can only really be one can’t there? It’s fair to say that I haven’t been this excited about something since Santa brought me FIFA 96 for my Sega Mega Drive, so why will Brushy be the one hoisting the trophy at the end of the season? Good question dear reader, get yourself a stiff drink, sit back, relax and open your Sportingbet account because once Jimmy’s preview hits the world CU’s price will drop faster than the American dollar.

So what exactly can we expect from Ray Saxby-Junna and the girls for season 2010/11? After the dream run of the (other) mighty green machine this season, nothing short of the trophy at the end of the season will satisfy the capital’s sporting public, and given the signing frenzy seen by United over the world’s longest offseason the pressure is really on. Everyone’s favourite club CEO Heather Reid has overseen the biggest spending spree since the Sheikh Mansour bought Manchester City, adding stars to the already glittering United line-up. Heather jumped on the remains of the now defunct Central Coast Mariner quicker than a vulture on a recently killed zebra, signing defenders Caitlin Cooper and Lyndsay Glohe, along with superstar striker Michelle Heyman. Add to these the signing of American College star Leah Blayney and you have yourself a serious football team.

Not enough to convince you that last year’s fourth placed team now has the firepower to match those pesky Roars and FC’s? How about the return of two of the superstars of Australian Women’s football in Caitlin Munoz and Sally Shipard? Jimmy isn’t ashamed to admit that he is slightly in love with Ms Munoz after watching her dine out on goals in the Club Pink Women’s Premier League during the year. In fact I wasn’t sure it was legal to have rocket launchers for boots but after watching Caitlin kick balls harder than anyone I’ve ever seen its fair to say that our favourite signage destroyer is back better than ever. Jimmy’s favourite villain from season 2009/10 was definitely Senor Barcelona who apparently struggled to fit in writing clearance letters into his busy schedule of siestas robbing Sally Shipard of her chance to debut in green last season. But football’s best hair since Zeljko Kalac’s attempt to steal the world’s supply of hair gel will finally get her change to show the McKellar faithful how world class she is this season, and Jimmy is expecting big things.

Speaking of hair, Taiwan’s best export since my last pack of Rio’s, Tseng Shu-O returns with her bright red hair to terrorise the leagues goal keepers. Her combination with Heyman up front already has Jimmy salivating, and with the Munoz rocket launchers locked and loaded the United fans can expect a goal feast this season. But that’s not to say that United’s defence isn’t as good as its attack. No my friend, Jimmy loves a solid defence and United certainly has that. Captain Courageous Ellie Brush will once again be our mighty rock in the middle, and will even score her fair share of goals from set pieces (including at least one bicycle kick). Everyone’s favourite due international Ellyse Perry also returns to show everyone how unfit we are as she patrols the right touchline, and melts the hearts of all the boys with her girl next door looks. But even if a team were to crack this mighty defence United’s ever reliable superstar keeper Lydia Williams will be ready to swallow up any shots on goal. Add to that young stars Kahlia Hogg, Emily Van Egmond and Grace Field, the muscles from Belwest Cian Maciejewski, and model turned footballer Grace Gill and Jimmy gets more and more excited.

So what are Jimmy’s predictions I hear you ask. Well I am a gambling man, so I will be having a bit of money on United to take out their first title. Expect Caitlin to stamp herself as the class player of the W-League, and keep an eye on young guns Kahlia Hogg and Grace Field as they cement their places in the team.

So for game 1 against Perth? At least the girls will get the red eye out of the way early as they take on the Glory on Saturday. You must almost need a passport to get to Perth it is that far away, so for that reason I think the girls will come away with a draw. Apparently Lisa De Vanna is to busy updating her facebook page to play for the Glory this season, but they still have some class in the likes of Samantha Kerr, Collette McCallum and Australia’s best looking but angriest player Katie Gill. So expect plenty of goals from both sides, and even a little bit of agro.

Until next week, yours in football

Jimmy Merkin (and mum)

thanks jimmy! loving the reports!

very nice jimmy, you should do one of these each week. I got a good laugh out of it

Great read, Jimmy. Looking forward to your next installment.

Wow what a start! I’m know at the Kambah Inn as “Nostradamus” I’m that good a tipper, but 4-1! Who would have thunk it? I’m sure if the ginger ninja missed his date with Lassie it would have been Ms Heyman on the front cover of the Times and not big red, but there is still plenty of time before the next rugby league disaster for the girls to grab the headlines.

So as I gaze into my crystal ball what can we expect from week two of season three for the girls? In a change from recent years there has been some strange wet liquid falling from the sky recently meaning that we may be doing wet track form for Saturday. In an attempt to give my readers the inside scoop I have recently visited the McKellar groundskeeper and between asking “who are you?”, and “why are you here again?”, he told me that we can expect a dead 4 with the rail in a true position for kick off and before the Bureau stopped taking my calls they informed me that at worst we can expect some light showers on Saturday. So what does this mean for our beloved United? Well after watching the Roarers kick the ball long at every possible opportunity last week, a dry(ish) track will mean our girls can play some football (something the banana benders clearly aren’t interested in).

Every since the Roarers broke my heart in the season one grand final they have become Jimmy’s most hated team. But Jimmy is now torn because my former second favourite player (I still love you the most Brushy), Amy Chapman is now running around in an orange jersey. So to keep everyone happy I have told Mr Saxby-Junna to give Cian strict instructions to break everyone’s leg except for Chappy. But unfortunately it’s unlikely that Cian will be able to break the other ten legs before the woman in black tells her to have an early shower, so can our girls beat the Roarers with more legal tactics? Well Jimmy thinks so! After reading Ross Gibb’s report I gather than our girls flew home in the second half which is a good sign for this week as they can continue this form into Saturday. This week they also have the added advantage that Jimmy gets to see all the players on Friday night and give individual instructions to all players. It’s great that the girls will get an insight into Jimmy’s mind, I’ve actually been waiting for Ray to call and ask me to take them for a session or two. Maybe management are worried my dashing good looks will distract the players? I do have an extensive coaching resume which includes taking every title on offer with Manchester United on FIFA ’10 on the xbox, but this seems to have little sway.

But enough about me, what is the crystal ball saying about Saturday? I’m expecting a big crowd to cheer the girls on to a victory by a goal, and Jimmy to get the call up for the video review session next week.

So here we are, week three of season three and United’s chance to lock down a spot in the league’s top three. After being a bit to over excited last week Jimmy is being a bit philosophical about this week’s match up with the Victories. As the old Chinese proverb says “A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man perfected without trials.” And I think we can all agree that is exactly what our girls can take out of last weekend’s match with the Roarers. It was good to see future Mrs Merkin Ellyse Perry putting one in the back of the net though. She just needs to find time in that busy schedule to fit in dinner and a movie with Jimmy, maybe she could miss an innings or two over the summer?

The Victories have been one of Jimmy’s favourite teams ever since Chappy’s attempted cross sailed into the back of the net for United to win 3-2 back in season one of the W-League, but I’m not to confident about this weekend. We all know that Jimmy is the most one eyed United fan around so why would I be scared of a team from Melbourne? Well as we also know Jimmy is on the cutting edge of sports science and has noticed Melissa Barbieri’s wearing of a power balance wrist band in recent television appearances. I’m lead to believe that these wrist bands give you 1,000,000% more strength and flexibility, so how Sydney managed to score one goal let alone four is beyond me. You will be pleased to know that I have written to John O’Neill at FFA telling him that Jimmy isn’t happy with this obvious advantage the Victories will have this weekend, and that the wrist bands should be banned just like the bodysuits from swimming but haven’t received a reply as yet.

Despite the typical Victorian cheating I still think Mr Saxby-Junna and the girls can chalk up the three points this weekend. The combination of Munoz and Heyman had Jimmy smiling like a shark on the weekend and I expect them to combine on Saturday and put on a show for the no doubt massive audience on ABC TV. So put on your green and get on the hill and get your mug on the telly just like Jimmy. Speaking of Jimmy I noticed on the weekend that some pommy guy and the Belconnen coach are commentating the games on radio! I asked Ross at Canberra United if I could become part of the commentary team but am still waiting for the invitation (I’m starting to sense a theme, my outbox seems a lot larger than my inbox). So I’m asking all my fans (mum), to bring along “put Jimmy on the radio” signs this weekend, surely if there are more signs than listeners they have to put me on? Well dear reader I’m off to call the ABC to see if they need my help for Saturday, until next week keep spicy!